When we set out on this “adventure” to take the gospel to the unreached, Josh and I knew we couldn’t not go. We felt compelled to go, but I didn’t feel quite as compelled to leave what had become comfortable to me. My life over the last 4 ½ years as we have worked towards moving our family overseas started out as a lot of little “no’s,” each one slowly, in God’s grace and time, replaced by one big “Yes.” As we prepare to leave, I want to share this part of my story with you, not to highlight my great faith, because as you will soon see, being a missionary doesn’t make me immune to the common struggles of faith. Instead, I want to shine light on God’s faithfulness to me and my family even in times when I was not faithfully loving and trusting Him.
We started by praying for different “priority” people groups – those who were the focus of our sending organization. They were mostly located in Sudan and Chad. “Lord,” I prayed, “I am willing to go where you want, but I cannot go to Chad or Sudan. That is TOO hard. Too rough of an environment. I can’t do it.” (Are you laughing yet?!) Over time, we realized that our heart was burdened for those with the least access to the gospel, and we could not deny that this is where they were located. What choice was left but to say, “Yes” to Sudan and Chad?
Then, I became a mother. “Lord,” I said for the first seven months of Isaac’s life, “I cannot do this!” Motherhood was a hard transition for me, showing me a lot of selfishness and impatience and weakness in myself. I couldn’t imagine being responsible for my children in as hard a place as Sudan or Chad. Over time, and with a little more sleep, God showed me that He would be my strength and encouraged me as I met other families living and thriving with young children in hard places. Through God’s patience and grace towards me, this “no” became a “yes.”
But, Josh had a good job. We were comfortable. I enjoyed our house, our comfortable furniture, our king size bed. (I still miss those things!) I didn’t want to give them up. But at some point in all the preparations, God convicted me that even Jesus, the One whom I claimed to follow, had no place to lay his head. How could I be as prideful and self-centered as to think I deserved these comforts when my Lord gave up Heaven, life and comfort for sinners like me! Am I his follower now? If so, I must be willing to give up a few earthly comforts for His name sake. Convicted again. The no turned into a yes.
Fast forward to our time in France. I spent the first five months of our time there struggling through how I was going to be a mother and a missionary. I, along with other missionary moms at our school, found that I was struggling against the desire to stay comfortable and avoid the unknowns of life in Africa. I finally agreed that I was willing to live joyfully in Chad, but only in the capital. There was a need there anyways: someone needed to welcome the new teams coming to the country and I think I am a pretty hospitable person! Josh’s mentor did not encourage this idea and instead, he was pushing for us to consider moving out to where the “lost” are. “Easy for him to say!” – was my response. “Doesn’t he realize how hard it would be to go out there with no teammates?!” Josh decided to take a trip out to the eastern part of the country, and two sweet ladies from Texas came to encourage me and help me the week while he was gone. For me, it was a testimony to the Lord’s love and care for me even in the small things. For Josh, he got a clearer vision of the need in eastern Chad and came back with just the confidence I needed to ensure we could in fact live as a family even in such a remote “black hole” as eastern Chad. He met families with young children in the town who were doing well, and I began to have a peace and even excitement about moving there with purpose. In God’s providence, around the time Josh left for his trip, we met two other families at our school in France who are going to the exact same town as us. Over the next 6 months, we were able to cultivate those relationships and our children became good friends. We look back in thankfulness for the ways God showed us He is with us, and we forward with anticipation to what God has in store.
So, I have learned a lesson over the past few years of preparation: never tell God no! Or, if you do, don’t be surprised if He eventually leads you where you were too afraid to go. And, in the process, He will turn your “no” into a willful, voluntary “yes” for His glory and the furthering of His kingdom. I wish I could say that I have learned this lesson. I wish I could predict that from now on my answer will always be “yes” to the Lord. There will certainly be more challenges that lie ahead, and based on my track record, I am likely to have a few more battles with what God calls me to do in the future. However, I know that He will give me the grace needed to follow Him, all the while patiently and faithfully loving me, proving that He is the provider and sustainer of my life and the One who has called our family to the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5). May all our little answers add up to one life that says “Yes” to the Lord and may He be glorified even in our weakness.
